Orange Lights
by Just 2 Dream of You
Summary: A series of random one-shots where I torture the Yu Yu gang. Chapter 16: After a night of drinking, Koenma and Shizuru wake up in bed together. But did they or didn't they?
1. Pray

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

**A/N: Welcome. This is a series of nonsense one-shots where I torture the Yu Yu gang relentlessly. Most will be AU and most will center around Hiei and Yusuke but I'll try to get everyone in on the party. That being said this chap is for Kuwabara. Enjoy.**

* * *

Chapter One: Pray

Characters: Kuwabara

Rating: K+

Summary: AU Kuwabara goes hunting.

X -x-x-x-x- X

Kazuma Kuwabara was out hunting in the woods. Rabbits were his specialty as well as small birds and deer.

He spotted a young buck and was filled with glee. He set up his rifle and aimed; The perfect shot.

Before he could pull the trigger he thought he saw something moving around in the trees. It was off to his right and not that far from him. He looked around and saw nothing so he shrugged it off.

He aimed again and the deer's ears perked up and it ran away. Something had spooked it. He looked around and before he knew it, a big mound of brown fur had leaped from the trees.

It was a huge grizzly bear.

Kuwabara's knees were shaking as the bear growled. It stood up and roared. He almost wet himself. He stared at the huge animal and gulped. What could he do?

There was only one thing he could do; Pray. But pray for what? He thought about it for a few seconds and it dawned on him. He put his hands together and prayed the only thing he could think of.

"Dear God, please turn this bear into a Christian." Christian's can't kill people.

At that very moment the bear dropped to his knees, put his paws together in prayer form and spoke; "Dear Lord, thank you for this meal I'm about to receive."

~End


	2. Genie in a bottle

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

**A/N: We all might have heard this joke before but...**

* * *

Chapter Two: Genie in a bottle

Characters: Hiei and Yusuke

Rating: T for language

Summary: AU Hiei finds a genie. What will his wishes be?

X -x-x-x-x- X

His eyes watered as he coughed waving his hand in front of him. Damn that woman for leaving him with all this worthless crap. Of course he was the one that let it get so dusty.

"Oh, I'll just throw it all away," he moaned wiping his eyes.

When he opened them he saw the sunlight reflecting on a gold object about three feet away from him. He curiously eyed the object and crawled to it. He picked it up rustling more dust making him sneeze. He sniffed and looked it over. It was a...lamp of some sort. Rather old and rusty.

"Ah..." He sighed. " More worthless crap." But still something about it intrigued him. He decided to take it downstairs to inspect it better.

When he got it in the full sunlight he noticed it had many written letters on it. He couldn't make them out so he rubbed it to get the dust off. When he did he felt it vibrate. His whole body began to shake violently and he shouted as green smoke shot out of the tip. He fell on his ass and looked up to see a teenager floating in the air. He blinked and stood up.

He was wearing torn blue jeans with no shirt. His black hair was slicked back with way too much grease, and he had chocolate brown eyes. He was sitting Indian style in mid air with a cocky grin on his face. "Man, took ya long enough. I've been waiting for someone to rub that stupid thing."

"Who - _what _are you?" Crimson eyes narrowed in a glare.

"Seriously. You just rubbed a lamp and I pop out and you don't know what I am?"

"..."

The teen sighed. "I'm a genie."

"A _genie_?"

"Yes...Do you not know what that is?"

"...Maybe that dust caused me to black out..." A fist connected with his face sending him to the wall. He fell to the floor and gasped. "What the hell?!"

"Convinced I'm real now?"

"You...!" He went to pick up his samori sword off the wall when the boy chuckled.

"Yeah, that won't work. You can't kill me."

"Then what are you good for?" He growled.

"Man you don't know anything do ya? I'm a _genie_. Set me free from the lamp and you get three wishes." He said with his hands on his thighs.

"Wishes?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Is there a fucking echo in here?! Yes, damn it, three wishes!"

"What can I wish for?"

"Anything, so long as it's not more wishes."

"Rip off."

"Yeah, I know. What do you want?"

He thought about it for a while. Three wishes for anything he wants. This was gonna be good. "Alright. My first wish is that what ever I wish for next, my ex-wife Mukuro gets double."

"Your _ex_-wife? You want her to get double what you wish for?"

"Yes." His face was stone.

"Alright." He snapped his fingers. "What's your second wish?"

"Ten billion dollars," he said emotionlessly.

"You do realize that, that means your ex will get _twenty_ billion right?"

"That _is_ what I wished for," he said crossing his arms.

"Okay..." He snapped his fingers again and a huge thud was heard above them.

"What was that?"

"Your ten billion. Hope the ceiling doesn't cave in..."

"Hn."

"What's your last wish?"

He closed his eyes and smirked. The genie slicked back his hair and raised an eyebrow. He opened his crimson eyes again and spoke. "My last wish?"

"Yeah?"

"I want you to beat me half to death."

~End


	3. Pass the salt

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH or Re4

**A/N: This is totally mine.**

* * *

Chapter Three: Pass The Salt

Characters: Keiko, Yusuke and their son

Rating: K+

Summary: Keiko just wants to be heard...

X -x-x-x-x- X

Keiko was sitting at a nice dinner with her husband Yusuke, and her son Kosuke. It was nice that they were having a dinner where there was no fighting.

"So you get to the thing yet?" Yusuke asked his son.

"No the zombies keep eating me!"

Keiko sighed and tasted her pot roast. "Oh." It was rather bland. The salt was across the table near Yusuke.

"Yusuke please pass the - "

He was still engrossed in his_ conversation_. "Oh, that's not a problem. Just jump on the ridge and swing on the line."

"I did! The guy with the machine gun is there!"

"Yusuke could you - "

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Well, as soon as you land, whop out the TMP and blast him."

"Yusuke - "

"I don't have it!"

"Yu - "

"Well, then you're screwed!"

"_**YUSUKE! PASS THE SALT!**_"

Yusuke and Kosuke jumped back. "God! Okay...Here...Why'd you yell so loud?!"

"Ugh! Because you wouldn't listen! You just kept talking and talking! You always do that!" She started shaking the salt on her plate. "You NEVER listen to me, Yusuke! It's so rude! Why don't you ever hear what I have to say?!" The salt was piling up about an inch on her food.

"Uhh, Keiko..."

"And another thing! You always leave your smelly socks on the floor for me to pick up! It's degrading! What? You can't bend over and pick them up?!"

Two inches.

"Keiko - "

"And those violent video games you let Kosuke play! What is wrong with you?! You're teaching our son that killing is okay!" Three inches covering her food. "I just don't understand you, Yusuke! Why do you never listen to me?!" She slammed the salt on the table and sighed. She looked at her food and blinked. "Uh - Oh, what - Yusuke! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, I tried but you wouldn't listen! You just kept talking and talking!"

Kosuke slid out of his chair and under the table for protection.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick -

And the resounding explosion was heard for miles away.

~End


	4. Cookie Kiss

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

Chapter Four: Cookie Kiss

Characters: Botan, Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Hiei (Implied HxB pairing)

Rating: K+

Summary: Botan hates when people steal her food and can get rather clumsy when she's mad.

X -x-x-x-x- X

Botan hummed a happy tune as she took the cookies out of the oven. She really liked baking and wished she could do it more often. She sat them on the counter and sighed, smelling vanilla waft through the room. Unfortunately, she wasn't the only one to smell it.

As she was cleaning the kitchen, her back turned, two young males stepped in. Yusuke held in a snicker as he and Kuwabara sneaked over to the tray, pulling off several defenseless cookies. Botan had no idea as the two teens stuffed them in their pockets and shirts, slithering away.

When Botan turned back she found an empty tray. "What? Where...WHERE ARE MY COOKIES?" She screeched. The laughter of those apes made her turn red. "OH! I'll get you two!" She ran out of the kitchen seeing them run out the door, sprinting for the forest around the temple. No, they were _not_ gonna get away with this!

She ran out the door and tripped on her own feet, falling forward down the entrance steps, and on top of someone else.

Legs intertwining and chests pressed together, they both tumbled down the stairs, until Botan landed on top of the person, her face colliding with theirs.

And lips touched lips.

For a second, it remained that way. Soft lips on unsure lips, opened in surprise. The whole body underneath her was tense and hard, like a statue. Rippling muscles...

She resisted the urge to kiss deeper and rose up, only to find the absolute worse pair of eyes staring back at her.

Deep, dark, red.

She screamed and flailed herself off of him stuttering like a fool. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Hiei! I didn't mean to fall on you like that! My mistake - I should watch where I'm going!" She blabbed on, but he said nothing as he sat up and stared at her, wide eyed and seemingly lost.

She continued, hurriedly standing up and brushing off the dirt on her clothes. "I'll be sure to never accidentally fall on your lips again!" She ran off, still set on bashing Yusuke and Kuwabara's heads in, for now she had an even better reason.

Not only did they steal her cookies but now they caused her first kiss to be stolen!

Hiei blinked a few times as she sped away. He slowly stood up and watched as she disappeared screaming for the detective's blood.

All he wanted was the sweet smell in the kitchen, not his first kiss to be with _her_ of all people!

"I should have stayed in the tree."

~End


	5. Boys lay eggs?

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

**A/N: I wasn't planning on updating so quickly but after getting an offer for a cover for this, I had to write a one-shot to show it off! Once again, GoodEnoughTheOpenDoor has drawn me a beautiful cover and it inspired me to write a story behind it. For a full view, copy and paste the link at the bottom of my pro! Be sure to comment cuz it rocks! **

**This is probably OOC (no, definitely) and basically AU because Puu is in his original form. If I were to place it in the series, I'd say after the Dark Tournament and before Chapter Black. Because everything after CB is a pot of depression and agony -.-' Enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter Five: Boys lay eggs?

Characters: Hiei, Puu, Botan, Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Kurama

Rating: T (for safety)

Summary: Hiei is after Puu's blood for some reason and in the midst of his rage the group finds out something interesting about the Spirit Beast.

X -x-x-x-x- X

An infuriated yell made everyone look around. It was coming from inside the temple as well as objects breaking and a loud squawking. The group of teens, plus Botan, peered inside to see a very angry fire apparition chasing a frazzled Spirit Beast.

"I'm gonna kill that thing!" Hiei screamed, chasing poor Puu outside into the woods, everyone sweat-dropping.

"What could sweet, little Puu have done to Hiei?" Botan asked.

Kuwabara scoffed. "No one has to do _anything_ to Hiei to make him angry. He probably breathed wrong."

Kurama chimed in, "Actually, Hiei doesn't get angry_ too_ fast so it must be something severe."

Yusuke chuckled. "Let's go get them so my inner self doesn't die a horrific death." They all nodded and ran after the odd pair.

They soon found Hiei alone, Jagan eye open and enraged, cursing for all to hear. "Where the hell is it!"

"Come on, man, you can't seriously kill Puu." Yusuke laughed.

"I _seriously_ can!"

"Hiei..." Kurama's calm voice soothed. "What could Puu have possibly done to make you wish to kill him?"

Hiei blinked.

Apparently, the bird had gotten into the freezer at the temple for some reason, and while he was looking for God only knows what, he knocked a tub of ice-cream out onto the floor. Then the bird flew away, leaving the defenseless tub to melt into a gooey puddle of sweet gunk.

And it was Hiei's favorite.

"I don't want to talk about it." He flatly answered the fox. "Now," He swiftly pulled out his sword. "Where is it?"

Puu screeched and flew straight into Botan's chest, burying himself into her bosoms. "Oh!" She exclaimed. "Great going, Yusuke! You taught him to be a pervert like you!" Yusuke shrugged.

"Finally!" Hiei pointed his sword at her, grinning maniacally with fangs glinting in the sunlight and eyes shining with madness.

"N-Now, Hiei..." She stuttered, backing away from him. "Let's be reasonable. You can't kill Puu - he's Yusuke's inner self!"

"I don't care what it is - it dies now!" He continued his march on her.

"Oh, Hiei, have a heart!" Botan cried, pulling Puu from her chest and turning the bird to face him. "Come on! How can you kill something so cute and cuddly?"

Hiei stopped and his face contorted from the insane gleam to utter annoyance. "The mere fact that it's _cute_ and _**cuddly **_makes me want to kill it even more." He raised his sword up. "Now move!" He paused. "Unless you want to be sliced too - I don't care."

Botan screamed and in her terror threw Puu up into the air, running for her life. Hiei was poised to kill the despicable thing when fear gripped the poor beast and his body reacted.

_Plop_

_Crack_

_Squish_

Hiei stood motionless after the object hit him, Puu flying away screaming and crying. He blinked and felt something oozing down his hair and onto his face. He reached up and felt something slimy, and upon further inspection, saw it was the yoke of an egg.

The thing had laid an egg on him.

The whole group burst out into hysterical laughter, Kuwabara falling on the ground, rolling in fits of humorous pain. "Holy crap! Hiei literally has egg on his face!" Yusuke pointed, more laughs emanating.

Hiei's face turned a brilliant red, teeth gritting, his hand tightening on the sword.

"Oh, b-but w-wait!" Botan gasped in between her fit, "H-How can Puu lay an egg if he's a boy?"

They all stopped, wiping their eyes and looking around. Kuwabara stood up, mouth agape. "Oh. My. God...URAMESHI'S INNER SELF IS A GIRL! I KNEW IT!" They all started laughing even more now at Yusuke instead of Hiei, the detective turning a bright crimson.

"Hey, wait! N-N - Boys can lay eggs! ...Right?"

"No, Yusuke..." Kurama choked in between giggles. "They can't."

They all exploded raucously at Yusuke seeming to have forgotten about Hiei's misfortune.

"URAMESHI'S A GIRL! URAMESHI'S A GIRL!"

"_**SHUT UP! I'LL KILL EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE OF YOU!**_" Yusuke raged, his finger glowing.

Hiei couldn't help but smirk.

He was actually glad to have egg on his face.

~End

* * *

**A/N: Just an FYI, the characters listed in the story info are Hiei and Yusuke, but that doesn't mean that they're the only ones who will be in here. They are the main ones simply because they're the most fun to mess with. _Ciao_.**


	6. Pyros are cute

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

**A/N: This was inspired by a one-shot called _Caution! Highly Flammable Contents!_ By ForbiddenDreams13. Very funny stuff. You can find it in my favs.** **However, this will be a bit different and probably not as funny. This is OOC and AU all over the place. **

* * *

Chapter Six: Pyros are cute

Characters: Yusuke, Kuwabara, Kurama, Hiei and Botan (Slight HxB flirting..._again_)

Rating: T (for language - couldn't help it, Yusuke's got a durty mouth)

Summary: The team goes out fire spirit hunting.

X -x-x-x-x- X

Botan sighed heavily and wiped the sweat from her matted forehead. "Ohh..." Curse Lord Koenma and his order to make her join the boys in missions. Why was she happy about that when she first got it? It didn't matter, because now she hated it. Especially in this blasted heat! Yusuke groaned and she looked over.

"Why the hell are we out in this crap?!" Apparently, she wasn't the only one feeling it.

"You heard Koenma, Yusuke. Fire spirits love the heat and love to cause mischief out in it," Kurama, who seemed unaffected in his school uniform, said calmly.

The two human teens had their uniforms on, but their jackets were draped over their shoulders. Hiei, who was only there to avoid prison, was wearing his usual getup, and seemed completely fine in the heat. "Yes," he started darkly. "If I was a low level, I _might _be tempted myself." All looked over at him and he shrugged. "But I'm not."

"Really, Hiei? How can you be so comfortable in this heat?" Botan asked, him turning to her with a blank look on his face.

"I just said that, didn't I? I'm a _fire_ apparition. Heat doesn't bother me."

Botan huffed. "Ugh, but really? In that long, heavy coat and everything? Just looking at you wearing that makes me feel hotter."

He blinked and whipped off his cloak, showing off a bare chest underneath. "It's off now," he cruelly grinned as she stared at his muscles. "Feeling cooler yet?"

She pursed her lips and pouted. "I hate you."

"Uh, guys? What's that over there?" Kuwabara pointed to a bare field and all looked to see a small, maybe one foot tall, little girl with green hair and green eyes, picking up the flowers. What was odd, other than her size, was the fact that her hair looked like a flame flying around in the wind. Her eyes were big and wide, pure innocence shining in them as she skipped merrily, picking up flower after flower.

"Which one is this?" Yusuke asked the ferry girl as she pulled out her guide-book.

Well, it wasn't an Asobibi, or a Gotokuneko, and definitely not a Basan. This little girl looked nothing like any of those. "It's not the chicken monster, is it?" Kuwabara asked, making both him and Yusuke erupt into a fit of giggles.

"Fools, does that look like a chicken?" Hiei spat, putting his coat back on.

Botan ignored them and flipped through the book. "No, it isn't a Basan. It's...a fire sprite."

Kurama dead-panned. "A fire sprite?"

"Uh huh. Very rare. Koenma didn't even mention these." She shut the book and looked over at the tiny girl. "He also didn't say they were so_ cute_!" Hiei glared over at her. "What?"

"You think _everything_ is _**cute**_," he bit out with venom.

"Well, of course I do! How else would I be able to stomach being around _you_ all the time?" She stated as if it was the most simple thing in the world, and his mouth hung open, not knowing how to respond.

"_Guys_? What are we doing about this?" Yusuke stepped in. "We killin' it, or what?"

"Urameshi! It's a little girl! We can't kill it!" Kuwabara defended the oblivious sprite.

"It's gonna cause trouble!" Yusuke fought back.

"By picking flowers?"

"You wanna join her or something?"

"No!"

"I think you do! Why don't you go get your kitten and go pick flowers with the fairy?!"

"It's a sprite, not a fairy!"

"Who gives a crap!"

The other three just stood with -.- faces as the humans fought back and forth, nobody watching the seemingly harmless little girl, who had amassed a huge bunch of flowers in her tiny hand. She smiled and looked at them with twinkling eyes.

Then her innocent face morphed into a dark expression, eyes turning black and fangs forming as she burst the flowers into embers, the whole space around her erupting into flames.

"HOLY SHIT!" Yusuke swore, pointing to the blaze.

"OH, GOD! WHAT DO WE DO?!" Kuwabara cried, watching the whole field become a fiery inferno.

Botan was whimpering behind Hiei, which was hilarious due to the fact that she was bigger than him, and he smirked at her. "Still think it's cute?"

"Uh..._no_..."

The teens were running in comedic cartoon circles, screaming and wailing as now the whole field was gone, the flames shooting up all around the tiny sprite.

Hiei spit out some air and walked up to the thing, completely unperturbed by the fire, reaching out and grabbing it by her flaming hair. She paused and blinked, her wicked laughter ceasing as she snapped back to reality from her maniacal fun. "Huh?" She wiggled, not liking this feeling of being lifted up into the air.

Hiei's Jagan pulsed and the flames were put out, smoking cinders the only thing left of what was once a healthy field of grass. He turned and began walking off the barren land, the sprite kicking for all her worth. "Hey, no! What are you doing?! How did you put out my fire?! That's not fair! Put me down!" She squeaked, flailing all over in his grasp.

"He put the fire out with his mind..." Kuwabara whispered to Yusuke. "If I didn't think he was creepy before, I do now..."

Hiei approached them, looking bored as ever as he held out the tiny thing. "PUT ME DOWN, YOU BIG BRUTE!" She wailed, still kicking and punching.

Kuwabara laughed. "Hah, bet she's the only person to ever call you _big_, huh, Hiei?" All looked over at the young psychic with "oh, you so just didn't," looks on their faces.

Hiei sneered and shoved the little girl right into Kuwabara's arms. "Why don't _you_ take it?"

Kuwabara gasped and looked down at the shocked fire sprite, her shock fading and turning into fury, as she growled at the human who dare touch her. Her face went dark again as she snarled, flames jumping from her eyes. "WAH!" Fire exploded once again all running for their lives, Kuwabara screaming as if _he _was the little girl. "MY EYEBROWS!"

~End

* * *

**A/N: The fire spirits mentioned here are real in Japanese mythology, even the chicken. But the fire sprite is mine.**


	7. Warm and gooey

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

**A/N: This was inspired by FireStorm1991's Bulma/Vegeta baking one-shots. If you know those you'll recognize this. This is _really _pushing the T rating. Please, be warned and take it as not what it seems. Also, there's one dirty word.**

* * *

Chapter Seven: Warm and gooey

Characters: Botan, Hiei and Yusuke (Slight HxB, I wonder when I won't have it be that)

Rating: T (for language and themes)

Summary: Yusuke hears something in the kitchen...

X -x-x-x-x- X

Yusuke sighed as he walked up to the temple doors and slid them open. He was really craving a tuna sandwich for some reason and made his way to the kitchen. He paused when he heard two voices that usually did not converse together.

"Well, what do you think, Hiei?" Botan asked.

Yusuke slid around the wall and listened. "It's not what I expected," he heard Hiei answer.

"What do you mean?" A pause. "You've never seen this before, have you?"

"No."

"Oh, Hiei...that's so sad. Well, there's a first time for everything!"

"I hate to admit, it smells pretty good." Yusuke blinked. "What does it taste like?"

"Try it and see!" A few seconds ticked by. "Oh, don't put your finger in it like that!" Yusuke felt some sweat start to form.

"It's...soft. And gooey." She giggled at his statement and Hiei growled.

"What?"

"It's just for someone like you to use words like that..."

"How would you describe it?"

"I guess soft and gooey are correct."

"You've touched it?"

"Of course I have!" Yusuke swallowed. "Well, since you went and stuck your finger in, go ahead and taste it." Yusuke started to choke on his spit.

"It's sweet."

"Most people think so." Yusuke felt something pop behind his right eye.

"It's warm, too."

"Oh, I heated it up for you!" And there went the left eye.

"For me?"

"Yes, it's better warm so I got it good and ready for you." What was the word - hyperventilate? Yeah, that was it.

"Have you done this for anyone else?" Hiei asked.

"Well, no. But I've always wanted to do it for Yukina." And then the air stopped flowing.

"Yukina?" Hiei growled.

"Oh, come on now, Hiei. Yukina needs to try new things too!" Now Yusuke was sure a blood vessel went in his head.

"Fine," Hiei spat. "But only if you're the one to do it." Yusuke choked, the world going red.

"Oh, I'm so glad you trust me, Hiei!"

"Hn."

"Wanna try some more?" A few seconds. "Wha - hey! No, don't wipe it on me! Now I'm all sticky!"

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Yusuke lost all composure and ran into the kitchen seeing Botan holding a bowl of melted chocolate and Hiei with a finger in his mouth.

"Oh, Yusuke! I made some chocolate sauce! Do you want some?" She beamed. Yusuke blinked and looked back and forth at them and went through the whole thing in his head.

And that's when he passed out.

~End


	8. The Cartoon Syndrome

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

**A/N: I had this question for a while and just started thinking. And this random thought came to me. It's crack, plain and simple. For some reason I love the OCs in here. Enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter Eight: The Cartoon Syndrome

Characters: Kuwabara, Yusuke and Kurama. (And a cameo from_ someone_ at the end)

Rating: K+

Summary: Where does Hiei get his clothes?

X -x-x-x-x- X

Kazuma Kuwabara was minding his own business, walking down the street when he saw it. His sister had made him go pick up something from the new bakery and round the corner he saw it; A strange shop for kids that hated the world and everyone in it. Gothic clothes and totally emo stuff.

He held in a laugh and decided to take a look inside. He entered hearing the bell jingle and the saleswoman looked up, raising a tattoo covered eyebrow at him then returning to paint her nails. Her head was half shaved with the other half dyed purple and he would have run out but the Megallica music playing made him smile.

"Third album, right?" He asked her.

She nodded, not looking at him. "Yeah, Death Stinks was their best. Although, Bloody Pupils was pretty bad ass." She blew on her fingers.

"Yeah, the CD cover was genius."

She nodded. "You don't seem like a Megallica fan."

He shrugged. "My sister would kill me if I dressed like one." She shook the paint bottle. "I'm just gonna look around." She went back to her artwork and Kuwabara wandered around the store.

Black was the only color you could see with splashes of red and purple, some neon green. He chuckled at all the skulls and grim reapers and demented clowns. Who was into this sort of stuff? He neared the back of the small shop when he paused and blinked at what was before him.

It was a coat. Well, several of them in a row for purchase, in all different sizes. It was black with long sleeves, very plain, with a red underline on the inside. He reached and pulled one out examining it closely. The more he looked at it, the more he recognized it.

He ransacked the coats and soon found the smallest size, inspecting it fervently, making sure he was right. He put it back on the hanger and pulled out his cell-phone.

They _had_ to see this.

* * *

Yusuke and Kurama entered the store, each getting a look from the purple haired weirdo behind the register. Yusuke cringed and Kurama politely nodded.

Kuwabara came running up to them. "You gotta see this!" He pulled Yusuke along to the back and Kurama followed with a shake of his head.

"Damn, Kuwabara - what?!"

Kuwabara pulled out one of the coats. "Look at this!" Yusuke looked at it and back at his friend.

"What about it?"

Kuwabara groaned. "And you call me dumb! What does this look like?" Kurama came over and eyed the coat, realization etching his features. "See? Kurama knows!"

Yusuke scoffed. "When does Kurama _not_ know?" The former detective studied the coat and rubbed his chin. "Wait..."

Kuwabara nodded. "Put a white scarf with it."

Yusuke nodded back. "Yeah...I think Keiko has a coat like this."

Kurama sweat-dropped and Kuwabara face-faulted.

"You idiot!" Kuwabara screamed when he recovered. "It's exactly like Hiei's!"

Yusuke took another look. "Oh, yeah...So what?"

Kuwabara fumed. "So what?! That mean he gets his clothes here!"

Yusuke crossed his arms. "Yeah, right. No way."

Kurama tilted his head. "It is highly unlikely."

"Oh, come on, guys! Just look at it. It's _exactly _the same!" He held it up. "Ya know, I've always wondered where the little shrimp got his clothes. After all those fights at the tournament and stuff, and how many coats he's lost, he always gets another one, good as new. Like George Jetson."

Yusuke blinked. "Who?"

"Dude, get cable." Kuwabara sighed. "It's the cartoon syndrome. No matter what happens he always has the same clothes! And here's the proof where he gets them! Or at least the coat thing."

Kurama took another look. "Well..."

"Like Hiei would go to a human store. And he has no money," Yusuke defended.

"Though that has never been a problem for him..." Kurama mused.

Kuwabara nodded. "Yeah! He probably sneaks in here all ninja like and _steals_ all the coats his size! Despicable." Yusuke and Kurama exchanged looks.

"I still don't know, man..." Something caught the half-breed's eye and he walked over to it. "Oh, wow. A candle that can summon the dead. Gee, how scary." Kurama chuckled and both came over to where Yusuke was and gawked at all the items to be made fun of.

But in the corner of Kuwabara's eye he saw a head of dark hair, spiked up, all dressed in black, admiring one of the coats. He could tell the person was male and _very _short. He screeched a battle cry and launched himself at the figure, tumbling to the ground. "I CAUGHT YOU, SHORTY!"

He paused and panted, seeing a pale face with blue eyes covered in mascara, freckles on their cheeks. Kuwabara released the shoulders of the person and stood up to see the hair was spiked up with gel and they were in fact, just a normal human teen. "Uhh..."

The teen sniffled. "Get out of the house, mom says. Try new things, she says. Well, look what happens to me when I do!" He got up, running away wailing, the store clerk shaking her head.

"Kuwabara, let's get out of here before you get arrested." Yusuke said blandly and all three walked out the door. "Besides, I still think you're wrong. Hiei would never step foot in a human store."

* * *

The emo teen arrived home sniffling and slamming his bedroom door shut. "I will never go out in daylight again," he whined as he flung open his closet door. He stood as anger rose on his face and screamed, "OH, DAMMIT - NOT AGAIN! _WHO KEEPS STEALING MY CLOTHES?!_"

Hiei chuckled as he regarded his new stash of clothing. "Who needs a store when you have your own personal shopper?"

~End


	9. Trick or Treat

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

**A/N: I have decided to post for the one guy I haven't messed with yet; Kurama! In this whole thing I haven't picked on him yet so yay! This is AU before Shiori got married because I say so. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!**

* * *

Chapter Nine: Trick or Treat

Characters: Kurama and Shiori

Rating: K

Summary: It's Halloween night at the Minamino household.

X -x-x-x-x- X

Kurama smiled as he watched his mother flutter around the living room, making sure her treats were arranged properly so every child would get something different. She was dressed head to toe in black, a witch's hat on her head and looked anything but scary as she hummed a cheerful tune. If only she knew what this holiday truly was. Most apparitions did, but he would keep quiet about it to his human friends as to not spoil it for them.

He casually flipped a page on his book as Shiori picked up an empty basket. "There goes that last of the caramel apples. I knew they'd go fast." Indeed, they had as did all the things she made every year. Yes, she made her own treats for the children. Caramel apples, Rice Krispies, popcorn balls, and homemade chocolate. Anything she didn't make herself she bought at the old fashioned candy store down the street. Things like candy corn, taffy and old time gum balls. She wrapped them all in festive plastic wrappings, topped with bows in fall colors. "Shuichi, you really should have worn a costume," she chided warmly.

Kurama shook his head. "I just don't think it's for me, mother," he answered. She gave him a look and he chuckled. "I don't much care for dressing up." He flipped another page as an image of Youko Kurama flashed in his head. '_I bet I'd win all the contests with that though,'_ he mused.

Shiori sighed. "Oh, alright. But could you man the door for me? I need to take care of something." She was halfway up the stairs and Kurama nodded in understanding. "Thank you, son."

She was all the way up when the doorbell rang. Kurama put down his book and grabbed a basket, answering with a warm smile as he was greeted with young voices. "Trick or treat!" Two boys, one as Spiderman and the other as Frankenstein, with one girl who seemed to be dressed as Glenda the Good Witch of the North.

"Oh, my. You all look festive this evening." He smiled and put one treat in each bag.

"Oh, wow!" Spiderman cried. "Candy corn!"

"Rice Krispie!" Frankenstein joined.

And Glenda gasped. "A POPCORN BALL!" She beamed right at him, her smile shining. "Thanks, Mrs. Minamino!" She turned to her friends. "Ginta was right; she _is_ the best house around!" They said their thanks and skipped away merrily, oblivious to Kurama's twitching eyebrow.

"Apparently, I don't _need_ a costume for Halloween..."

~End


	10. Singing

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

**A/N: Ahh...it's like slipping into a pair of old comfortable shoes...After doing some dabbling in other fandoms on my secondary account (cough-shameless plug-cough) I have once again come back to my babies. This was inspired by something I mentioned in Getting Soft (cough-another shameless plug-cough) and I thought this was a funny idea. **

* * *

Chapter Ten: Singing

Characters: Hiei, Mukuro and Snout

Rating: T

Summary: Hiei's patrol comes across something that Snout is allergic to.

X -x-x-x-x- X

He could hear it begin; every sound, every infliction, like clockwork. It was exactly the same every time as it rumbled down the halls, flowing like a wave of water headed straight for him. The pitch, the volume, the _tone_.

"_AAAAAHIXXXXCHIUUUUUUU!_"

His talons grasped his scalp, threatening to tear his very flesh away as yet _another_ explosion roared through the fortress. "I'm going to spill his blood and wipe it on the walls..." he breathed out, looking like a mental patient about to blow.

This was - what - the _sixtieth_ time he sneezed?

"Oh, come now, Hiei..." Mukuro teased. "You don't like his singing?"

Hiei bristled and stood up from his seat to face her. "Are you insane? How does this not bother you?"

Mukuro crossed her arms. "It isn't his fault he's allergic to bickle berry pollen."

Hiei gritted his teeth, an enormous headache poking at him. "Why are you showing him favor like this? Have you gone soft?"

Now her gaze narrowed; a deadly glare coated with promises of pain and torment. "Bickle berry is rare in our land. The fact that we've come across it is even _more_ rare_._ I can't punish him for an involuntary reaction."

It went silent between them, then she let down her arms and smirked. "I can however, ask you to find out if he's alright."

Hiei's eyes bulged. "Excuse me?"

Mukuro shrugged. "He's a valued member of my patrol. If this is injuring him, I need to know. Go find out." Hiei did not move from his spot and she came right up to his face. "That blood on the walls thing sounds like a good idea..."

He scoffed, rolling his eyes and stomped out.

Skulking down the halls, he quickly found the odd looking creature dabbing the huge appendage on his face - hell, it _was_ his face - with a large cloth. He turned, looking at his superior, bringing down the cloth and Hiei felt his insides churn as he beheld the nose dripping with snot. "D'oh, Master Hiei. How cand I help youb?"

People had stopped to watch the exchange and Hiei felt his long nails now digging into his palms as he clenched his fists to the point of breaking bone. "Mukuro wants to know if you are injured," he managed to spit out and for a second, the little guy looked bashful.

"No, I'mb fined." He smiled and Hiei let out a sigh of relief. He could leave.

But just at that moment - the one they called Snout - his face contorted; twitched and tilted upwards revealing all of his inflamed nasal passages to a shocked crimson gaze.

He was frozen - he couldn't look away. It was like watching a slaughter and not caring how gruesome it got, but what was really disturbing was that he was _curious_.

After_ hearing_ it sixty times, he wanted to see how it _looked_.

His mouth opened, saliva dripping and sticking to his lips, flying out as he panted...once...twice, while his nostrils grew to enormous size, stretching to the sides like an eagle preparing to take flight, the dark caverns of them glistening with mucus.

His mouth shot open, like a hunter going in for the kill as his nose tripled in bulk, one last huge breath entering his trembling form before the shot rang out.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHIXXXXCHI UUUUUUU!_"

It was over exaggerated, like those ridiculous moving drawings humans would entertain themselves with on those blinking idiot boxes. Unfortunately for him, it had been real.

Real as can be as it fell all over him like the spray from a nearby waterfall, except this was thick and hot. He could have moved in time, but instead he had remained frozen. Frozen like a suicidal victim who wanted to die, relishing the release.

And then it was over.

And he realized he was _covered_ in the shit.

"Oh! M-Master Hiei! I...I..._eh...ah..._" It was happening again and he lunged grabbing a throat, bits of bodily fluids dripping off his hair.

"YOU CAN'T SNEEZE IF YOU CAN'T BREATHE!" he screamed.

Others clamored to pull Hiei off the smaller apparition, only because they didn't want to learn how to _sniff_ humans, as Mukuro stood in the shadows, chuckling to herself wickedly.

"And that's the last time you call me soft."

~End


	11. Onions

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

**A/N: This is pure crack. I dunno why I'm even writing this. Basically this came about from a convo with dragonfly-rising (read her stuff I mean it especially _Holding Still in Motion_) about the different types of fanon theories on FF about Hiei and tears. Plus it's kinda a throwback to my most popular one-shot _Onions_. So yeah. It's also mega short. Enjoy?**

* * *

Chapter Eleven: Onions

Characters: Uh, just everyone, okay? Except Kuwabara and Yukina...

Rating: T (mentions of crimson stuff y'all)

Summary: When Hiei chops onions, does he cry?

X -x-x-x-x- X

Botan came in the temple hearing a huge calamity. Yusuke was rolling in the floor laughing hysterically while Shizuru smoked, Genkai drank and Keiko yelled. Kurama was sitting on the couch shaking his head and the reaper knew something was wrong. "Uh...what happened?"

"Oh, nothing except Yusuke is an idiot!" Keiko scolded as he continued laughing.

"Are you kidding?!" the ex-detective gasped in between howls, "This is the greatest thing ever!"

Shizuru scoffed as she blew out smoke. "You just better be glad Yukina and my bro ain't here."

Botan stood dumbfounded. "Kurama?" she looked at the fox and he shook his head again.

"Apparently, Yusuke and Hiei were playing poker and they kept making bets until the only thing they could bet was a deal. Whoever lost had to do what the winner wanted. Yusuke somehow won."

Botan blinked, finding that hard to believe, though Hiei didn't play human games. "And what did he want Hiei to do?"

Kurama blinked. "Chop onions. In his full demon form." It went silent and Botan thought about it for a minute before it dawned on her.

Full form.

Eyes.

_Onions._

"Oh, dear Lord, I _have_ to see this!" she shrieked and sprinted for the kitchen before anyone could stop her. She ran as fast as she could, knowing she'd only get one glance - "WAH!"

Her foot met with something hard and she slipped, tumbling to the hard ground sliding on her butt and hitting the counter. She heard what sounded like marbles clatter all over the floor. "What in the world?!" She looked about herself to see the place littered with small black and red gems. They looked like Yukina's hiruseki stones and she realized what was going on as she looked up at Hiei.

He turned to her, black liquid running down his face like ink and dripping off in waves, creating more black jewels on the counter. Not only that, but his bandanna was off revealing the Jagan which was engorged and weeping blood down his entire face.

He was also shirtless and _all_ of the eyes on his body were pouring blood all over the place, a pool of it at his feet as well as red stones floating in the thick juice.

She could hear Yusuke cackle, "He looks like something from Silent Hill!"

Hiei snarled as he looked at her, fangs baring, snot running out of his flared nostrils. "_**GET OUT!**_" he raged, holding the blood covered knife like his next chop was going to be her.

Her pupils dilated as her face went pale with a gigantic inhale, clenching her fists. "AAAAAAAAAAAH!" A mass of sky blue ran out of the kitchen wailing for mercy with her hands over her face in utter horror.

As everyone watched her run, Yusuke fell over where he sat, earning a kick from his fiancée. "_You're _gonna clean up the mess, Yusuke Urameshi!"

He gasped. "Right after I take a picture!"

~End


	12. The Duck

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

**A/N: This is a joke that went in my local paper. I'm not sure if others have heard it but I thought it was pretty funny so I re-did it with YYH characters much like the first two chapters in here.**

* * *

Chapter Twelve: The Duck

Characters: Botan and Kurama

Rating: K+

Summary: Uh...fqkehkfhkqehfk

X -x-x-x-x- X

Botan Fuugiya walked solemnly into the veterinarian office holding Rupert, her one true friend. Rupert was always by her side and always loved her no matter what.

This morning Rupert wouldn't wake up.

So, determined to find the answer; she strode into the office, ignoring all the strange looks she was getting.

What, had no one ever seen a blue haired woman holding an unconscious duck before?

She patiently waited and was ushered in by a meek nurse and continued to wait for the doctor. In about TWO HOURS (okay ten minutes) he finally came in. He was tall with long red hair and deep emerald eyes and Botan had to avert her gaze to hide her blush. "Ahem. My name is Dr. Minamino." OMG - his voice was like butter. "How can I help you?"

"My duck won't wake up," she stated and he took out his stethoscope and examined Rupert. After a few minutes he sighed.

"I'm sorry, miss. Your duck is dead."

She gasped. "No. I don't believe it. I want some kind of proof!"

He called in the nurse and she brought in a dog. The dog sniffed Rupert all over and looked up at the doctor, shaking its head. "I'm sorry, he's dead," he repeated.

Botan shook her head. "No! I still don't believe it!"

He called in the nurse again and this time she brought in a cat. The cat did the same as the dog and shook its head as well. "Miss, I am sorry but the duck is _dead._"

Botan sighed and looked down. Then it had to be true. "Okay...I believe you..." He put a hand on her shoulder and she sniffled. "Thank you."

He nodded. "I understand. Unfortunately, we have to talk about payment. That'll be 150 dollars."

Her head snapped up. "WHAT! All I did was bring in my dead duck and put him on the table!"

Dr. Minamino blinked. "Yes, but it costs extra for the lab work and cat scan."

~End


	13. Chocolate Rain

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

**A/N: This was a request from my lovely cover artist GoodEnoughTheOpenDoor. If anyone else has a request please let me know cuz I'm running out of ideas lol Just send me a prompt or whatever. Warning; this is really cracktastic.**

* * *

Chapter Thirteen: Purple no wait Chocolate Rain

Characters: Hiei and stuff

Rating: T

Summary: Hiei makes hot chocolate and it ends in disaster.

X -x-x-x-x- X

Birds chirping, blue skies, warm weather. What an absolute disgustingly boring day. He sighed and hopped off his favorite branch and began his way inside the temple. No one was inside and he was thankful for that. Often times he had to endure the constant chattering and yapping like monkeys in a jungle but not today.

He wandered into the kitchen and rummaged the cabinets. Why is it boredom always makes you want to eat? That, of course, was a nasty human habit and he shuddered at the thought.

No way were they rubbing off on him.

But alas, he had developed as of late a penchant for some foods in this world. Particularly sweet foods.

Particularly _chocolate_.

He remembered the first time he tried some. It was at some stupid party and they offered him a drink. He downed it in one gulp, not caring about the hot liquid that lay inside. They all laughed at him, but he couldn't hear it as the _delectable _substance ran down his throat.

He asked what it was and the answer he got was _hot chocolate_.

He sighed at the memory. He wouldn't dare ask for another cup, because fannon knows he couldn't admit he _liked_ it. But that put him in a position to never have it again.

Oh, well. When did he ever get what he wanted anyway? _Except all the freaking time._

He went to leave but paused as he saw it literally right in front of him on the counter; A box of chocolate bars.

He blinked and came over to it, the scent filling his brain straight to his frontal lobes of _pleasure. _So nice to think of Hiei and pleasure, isn't it?

"Hello, I'm trying to do a scene here!" He rubbed his temples at the pure idiocy of this whole thing and regarded the chocolate again. This was the stuff, but how could he turn it into that drink again? He went through the cabinets and found a mug like the one he first drank it in.

"Hm." He went over to the chocolate and popped off a bar, sticking it in the mug. Now what? He went to the sink and filled the cup with water.

Nothing happened obviously, and he growled in frustration. He stood there staring at it a moment before it dawned on him; the drink was _hot_. Hot will melt things. The chocolate would melt and turn the water into the drink for him.

He looked around briefly and snickered.

He sure as hell didn't need _human _contraptions for this.

He wrapped his hands around the base of the mug and raised his energy. Slowly but surely the chocolate began to melt and turn the water brown. Soon the liquid bubbled and he licked his lips as the bar was almost fully melted.

Just then he heard a voice coming into the kitchen and cursed. His concentration had been skewed because of this distraction and now he would pay for it. Whoever it was would know his secret.

But no matter because they'd _die _telling.

"I can't wait to see her - " the voice stopped and blinked at the fire apparition. "What? Hiei, what are you doing with that mug?"

Oh, it was that annoying ferry girl. That awful, wretched, slightly cute with her hair in her face and wide pink eyes - wait what the f-ck no - HORRIBLE ferry girl.

Her arms were carrying what seemed like a carton of eggs and she just stood there looking him right in the eye. Dumb woman; didn't she know what he could do with _his _eyes?

Like undress her with them or hypnotize her to do things really, really dir - _needle scratch - _WHAT!

The temperature got hotter in his hands and the mug grew red like a poker. And then the water shot straight up into the air in a massive explosion._ Is this phallic?_

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Botan screamed as chocolate rained from the ceiling all over the place. Hot scalding chocolate, mind you. She immediately dropped her groceries on the hard floor with an undignified _crunch-squish _and held her hands over her head for protection. "Oh, Koenma, save me!"

Of course the harlot calls for _him_.

It was over as soon as it began and Botan wiped the stuff off her face _yep it's phallic_, seeing it was a dirty brown liquid that smelled like burnt fudge. "Huh?"

"Damn stupid woman!" Hiei cursed at her. "Look what you made me do!"

"How did I make you do anything? And what is this?"

"It was supposed to be my drink! And you made me with your eyes!" he yelled out of character because I'm so awesome.

"Huh?!" Just then another voice chimed into the room and Botan gasped. "Oh, no! Watch - " But before she could finish, Kuwabara came sasquatching in and immediately slipped on the spilled eggs.

Insert hilarious cartoon fall coupled with the fact that he was carrying a large bag of flour.

Which hit the counter and exploded.

All over everything.

After a few seconds of coughing and sneezing and groaning from the dolt on the floor, Genkai came walking in. She took in the whole thing; the brown liquid dripping off the ceiling, the flour all over _every_ surface and the eggs splattered on the floor even more so by large feet plowing into them.

She looked to Botan who sighed in defeat. "Oh, Genkai...I'm sorry..."

She grunted. "Lemme guess; you found out." Botan nodded. "And you were going to bake me a cake, right?"

Botan looked down. "Brownies, actually. I found out they were your favorite from Yukina and we were going to make some. But then Hiei did Kami only knows with the chocolate and I dropped the eggs and Kuwabara is an idiot and oh, I'm sorry..."

Genkai stared at her and chuckled a little. "Nah...this is the best birthday gift I've ever gotten." She lit a cigarette and drew a long drag. "Now clean this crap up."

She left and Botan sighed, looking down at Kuwabara who was still moaning.

Hiei shook his head. "I dare you to review this shit."

~End


	14. Say what?

**A/N: Thanks for all yo' love and feel free to keep it up. -hugs all around-**

* * *

Chapter The REAL Fourteen: Say what?

Characters: Yusuke and Keiko. No, really

Rating: T

Summary: Yusuke and Keiko take a road trip and argue over highway signs.

X -x-x-x-x- X

The drive was the most fun Yusuke Urameshi had ever had in his entire freaking stupid life.

First, there was the fact that Keiko apparently had the smallest bladder in the world and required him to pull over _every fifteen minutes_.

Next, the ground must have been made of broken glass and nails for both of his back tires went flat, which of course caused miss Niagara Falls to yell and scream at him.

Which brings the subject to her yelling and screaming at him.

Every turn was wrong, Every speed was wrong, Every radio station was wrong. The time on the panel was wrong. Anyone else on the road was wrong. Every smell from outside the car that he couldn't possibly f-cking control was wrong. He breathed funny. He tapped his fingers on the wheel too much. The keys wouldn't stop jingling. The sun was too bright. The moon wasn't full enough. And she _needed to pee again!_

If he crashed the car and died the first thing he would do is beat the holy hell out of Koenma for ever bringing him back.

Yusuke sighed as they entered the highway. This road trip had been her idea - duh; like he'd ever want to do this crap - and it was turning out exactly like he thought it would. Why they needed to drive fifty miles to go _camping_ was beyond him. But supposedly he _loved her _so he agreed.

Ya know, after she threatened to cut off happy tickle time at night.

He growled under his breath. As soon as that tent was hammered into the ground, he'd pound something else and show that whole forest who da man was.

That being said, he still had an hour to go. She'd been reading from her tablet, so thankfully she had been quiet the last half hour. It was the greatest half hour of his life.

He looked up at a sign overhead. Then, Yusuke Urameshi, the wisest man on Earth, spoke.

_Out loud_.

"That's a weird name..."

"Hmm?" She looked up and he groaned, pointing to the sign as they drove under it. "Huh. Yeah, it is. It's the next town. I wonder how you say it?" They passed another sign minutes later and both studied it. "Sas...ick...cu...bum_?_" She shook her head. "What do you think it says?"

And like the idiot Genkai always said he was, he answered. "Sicrum."

Keiko blinked and looked at another sign. "How did you get _that_?"

"It's obvious."

"No, it isn't. There's more letters than that."

He sighed. "You asked, okay?"

She crossed her arms. "Well, you're wrong."

He hit the steering wheel. "When am I _not_ wrong, Keiko?! Can you tell me that? 'Cause so far I've counted at _least_ three hundred times on this trip alone that I've been wrong!"

She rolled her eyes with a scoff. "Make that one more because no way has it been three hundred. I've barely talked to you!"

"Oh, my God, really?! Every two minutes it's; 'I hate this, I hate that. This is stupid, this is dumb. You're stupid, you're dumb. I'm gonna piss my pants if you don't pull over EVERY TEN SECONDS!"

She huffed indignantly. "I've only peed twice!"

"Then why did we stop at SEVEN gas stations?! I know it wasn't for the sightseeing opportunities!"

"I was thirsty!"

"Oh good; more piss!"

"THERE IS NO WAY THAT SAYS SICRUM!" she finally screamed.

He blinked at her. "What?! We're going back to that?! Who gives a damn what it says?!"

"Obviously, not you! You never care about anything anyone says, especially me!"

"I listen to you all the time! That's all I ever do! And look closely, it says _Sicrum!_"

"No, there are more letters in it! Can't you read?!"

"MAYBE SOME OF THEM ARE SILENT!"

"WHY CAN'T _YOU _BE SILENT?!"

"I TRY BUT _YOU_ KEEP TALKING TO ME!"

"_FINE, THEN I'LL JUST NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN, YUSUKE URAMESHI!_"

"_**BEST MARRIAGE EVER!**_"

They panted and fumed, glaring daggers at each other. A few minutes went by and Keiko read another sign. "There is no way that says Sicrum," she repeated and he slapped his forehead.

"You know what, fine! The next place we stop at, we'll ask someone how it's pronounced._" _

The rest of the trip remained silent, which Yusuke was thankful for, but it wasn't a happy silence and he knew the only _pounding_ that would happen tonight would be his head against a rock.

They stopped at first place they found after exiting the highway and stomped through the entry, after screeching into the parking lot and slamming the car doors in competition with another.

He slammed his hands down on the counter and yelled at the person behind it, "Me and my _wife_ got into a huge fight about the name of this stupid place, so could you _please_ tell us what it's called?!"

"And enunciate the words _slowly_," Keiko added.

The poor teenager blinked, mouth agape, completely in shock before she answered.

"Buuuur-geeeer Kiiiiiiinnnnng."

~End


	15. Liek, a blast from the past, man

**A/N: This was posted five years ago. Now I know you're thinking, "I haven't read this 5 years!" but I originally posted this as Jokes 'N Stuff and the first 3 or so chaps were posted and then I left it hanging. But thanks to a resurrection and a beautiful cover by GETOD I brought it back to life and am proud to say this is my longest running fic. As a tribute I'm going to bring back something from another fic I did back in '08 called Q&A With Hiei!**

**I combined two skits into one and fixed them up a bit to be more relevant. Also, for anyone that had an itchy report finger, this will be bulletin style and if you report me and this gets deleted, I will never post in this fandom again or repost these chaps. You have been warned. **

**Lol Jk, nah this isn't against site rules because I have a way around it that is legal so nyeah -pulls down eyelid- And Vhee is an OC and kinda me. If you want more info on her, read Q&AWH or Crack a Smile. That's all I got really. And pics of her are on my pro under fanart for Q&AWH. Enjoy!**

**(To InuChimera7410 and Akara Suzuki, you already reviewed chap 15 and if you want to review this you'll have to do it Guest. Sowwy)**

* * *

Chapter Fifteen: Liek, a blast from the past, man

Characters: EVERYONE and Vhee

Rating: T

Summary: Some stuff happens.

X -x-x-x-x- X

Hiei walked around the quiet temple in massive boredom. He was glad for the peace and quiet but ever since _that girl _came to stay with them, things had been a little more...entertaining.

But for some reason now all was calm. No yelling. No screaming. No explosions.

How tedious.

He searched the temple for a victim to torture, namely the little red-headed female, and soon found her asleep in Genkai's arm chair. He sneered and approached her to see she was holding a notebook with the word "Fanfiction" on the front. He raised an eyebrow and took it from her grasp, her moaning and flipping to curl on her side.

He scoffed and opened the book, if only to see what pathetic writings she did of all of them...

* * *

Vhee: So let's get started with the coolest people in anime!

Kurama: It's nice that you think we're cool.

Vhee: Oh yes, you guys are the best. _-blushes at Kurama-_

Hiei: Can we get this over with so I can get on with my life?

Yusuke: What life? All you do is sit in a tree and play with your sword. Wait, that sounds like... _-starts laughing-_

Vhee: Very funny, Yusuke.

Kurama: Maybe you should tell everyone what parts we'll be playing.

Vhee: Okay. Well, the big bad wolf was going to be played by Hiei, but Kuwabara and Yusuke kept making fun of him because he didn't fit the _big_ part, so... Yusuke is the big bad wolf and Kurama, Hiei, and Kuwabara will be the 3 little pigs.

Botan Keiko Yukina Shizuru: What about us?

Vhee: What about you?

Botan: Can't we have some parts?

Vhee: There aren't any girls in the 3 little pigs.

Keiko: We could be their wives or something...

Yukina: Yeah, I could be Kazuma's wife... _-blush-_

Kuwabara: REALLY?! Oh, you've made me so happy my love!

Hiei: (Just imagine Hiei's face for yourself)

Vhee: Whatever. You guys can't be in it.

Botan Keiko Yukina: Awwwww...

Kurama: Come on Vhee, give them something.

Vhee: Oh, alright. You guys can be animals in the background.

Botan:_ -goes into the pasture and starts mooing-_

All: _-sweatdrop-_

Shizuru: I think we'll just watch.

Vhee: Okay, let's start the fic! Hey, wait a sec...you guys don't look the parts...

Yusuke: Oh, you're not gonna dress us up in full costume are you?

Vhee: No, I don't have that much money. But I do have these..._-gives Hiei, Kurama, and Kuwabara 3 sets of pig ears and snouts. Then gives Yusuke a pair of wolf ears and something that looks like a mouse nose but we'll say it's a wolf nose-_ There. Now put them on.

All: _-groan-_

Kuwabara: We're not gettin' paid enough...

Vhee: Teehee, you guys look so cute!

Yusuke: We can't breathe!

Vhee: That's cuz your noses are flat. Okay, let's start th - Oh crap!

All: WHAT NOW?!

Vhee: I forgot how this story starts!

All:_ -fall down-_

Vhee: I mean all I remember is when the wolf shows up...

Hiei: I hate you.

Vhee: I'll just make it up. Okay, the 3 little pigs were walking in the woods when they met the big bad wolf.

All except Hiei: Oh, no. A wolf.

Yusuke: Hey.

Vhee: Um, could you be a little more scary?

Yusuke: HEY YOU 3 LITTLE SH-TS! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASSES AFTER I BASH IN YOUR TEETH AND EAT YOUR FACES!

Vhee: _-laughing hysterically-_

Yusuke: Was that scary enough?

Vhee: _-still laughing- _Yeah, that was good... Okay, we need a response to that.

Hiei: _-pulls out sword-_

Vhee: Not that! Scream!

Kuwabara: Ahhhhh!

Kurama: Ahhhh...

Hiei: Ughh...

Vhee: The 3 little pigs ran away. _-waits-_ Guys, you're not running.

Yusuke: We're in the middle of a park. There's kids like 20 feet from us.

Vhee: Oh. Anyway, the 3 little pigs decided the only way to protect themselves was to build houses. So the first little pig (Kuwabara) built his house out of straw.

Kuwabara: Why do I have to be the first pig? His house is the stupidest!

Hiei: Exactly. And there's no such word as stupidest, fool.

Kuwabara: Oh, you're gonna get it. _-runs after him but Vhee stops him-_

Vhee: JUST BUILD THE STUPID HOUSE OUT OF STRAW ALREADY!

Kurabara: Okay, okay...

**20 minutes later**

Vhee: Wow, that just looks like a big pile of straw.

Kuwabara: Oh, c'mon! How can you expect me to build a house out of straw?! It's impossible!

Hiei: Even if it were possible, you still couldn't do it.

Kuwabara: You're asking for it, shrimp...

Hiei: Asking for what? Your humiliation?

Kuwabara: That's IT!

Vhee: AND THEN THE BIG BAD WOLF CAME TO EAT THE FIRST LITTLE PIG! Get inside - er behind your...pile Kuwabara.

Kuwabara: _-sigh-_ Alright...

Vhee: The big bad wolf knocked on the little pigs' door.

Yusuke: Um...

Kuwabara: Just knock on the piece of wood in front of it.

Vhee: And then the big bad wolf said...

Yusuke: Oh, man...

Vhee: Just say it.

Yusuke: Little pig, little pig, let me come in.

Kuwabara: Not by the hair on my chinny, chin, chin!

Vhee: Then the big bad wolf said...

Yusuke: Then I'll huff and puff and blow your house down!

Vhee: Now blow his house down.

Yusuke: How?

Vhee: BLOW!

Yusuke: _-lightly blows air barely even moving one piece of straw-_

Vhee: Oh, come on Yusuke! BLOW!

Yusuke: _-inhales dramatically then blows really hard starting out strong and ending in a sputter- _This isn't working!

Vhee: Improvise!

Yusuke: SPIRIT GUN!

Kuwabara: AAAAHHHH! _-jumps out of the way-_ You almost killed me, Urameshi!

Yusuke: So?

Kuwabara: I hate you and Hiei! I want nothing to do with this anymore!

Vhee: But Yukina will be disappointed.

Kuwabara: Huh?

Yukina: I've never seen this story. I really wanted to know how it ends..._ -looks sad-_

Kuwabara: _-mood changes-_ Don't worry, I'll stay! I'll do it all for you, my little flower!

Yukina: Thanks, Kazuma.

Vhee: Back to the story. The first little pig ran away. Then the big bad wolf starts looking for the second little pig...

Hiei: Who would rather be in Hell right now.

Vhee: The second little pig built his house out of sticks. _-looks at Hiei-_

Hiei: I'm not building anything. Ask again and you die.

Vhee: Cherry Garcia.

Hiei: ... _-disappears and 2 seconds later a little house is made out of sticks-_

Vhee: Wow. That was amazing. You're really good...

Hiei: Don't talk to me.

Vhee: Ugh. But there is one problem. It's not big enough for you to stand in.

Hiei: Who says I'm going to be standing in it?_ -Jagan glows-_

Vhee: Blah.

Yusuke: Should I knock on the door and...?

Vhee: What do you think? No, I think you should stand on your head and bark like a dog. Get on with it already!

Yusuke: Little pig, little pig, let me come in.

Hiei: I wish I was dead.

Yusuke: Then I'll huff and puff and blow your house down! Spirit Gun?

Vhee: Whatever...

Yusuke: SPIRIT GUN!

**The stick house is gone**

Yusuke: Obliteration.

Vhee: So then the big bad wolf looks for the third little pig.

Kurama: Finally.

Kuwabara:_ -from a distance-_ Why did_ I _have to run away?!

Yusuke: Cuz she doesn't like you!

Vhee: _-laughs-_ The third little pig was smarter than his brothers so he built his house out of bricks. _-points to an abandoned house-_

Kuwabara: _-back-_ How come we had to build houses and Kurama doesn't?

Vhee: Oh for the love of - Do you know how long it would take for Kurama to build a house out of bricks?!

Kuwabara: Oh.

Vhee: The other little pigs ran to the house and knocked on the door.

Kuwabara: What do we say?

Vhee: Um, I don't remember. You're supposed to say something that would make him know it's you. Ya know, like a secret code or something.

Hiei: Let us in or I'll kill you all.

Vhee: That works! So the third little pig let his brothers in.

Kurama: Come on in...

Kuwabara: Thank goodness...

Hiei: _-grumbling-_

Vhee: Then the big bad wolf showed up, knocked on the door and said...

Yusuke: Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in.

Vhee: And the pigs said...

Kuwabara: GO TO HELL URAMESHI!

Vhee: Then the wolf said...

Yusuke: SCREW YOU!

Vhee: And the wolf huffed and puffed but he couldn't blow the house down.

Yusuke: SURE I CAN!

Vhee: HIEI AND KURAMA ARE IN THERE TOO YOU IDIOT!

Yusuke: Oh, right...

Vhee: The wolf noticed a chimney on the roof so he climbed up on the roof.

Yusuke: No way.

Vhee: Way.

Yusuke: _-on roof-_ What now?!

Vhee: This is a part I don't remember. You're supposed to climb down chimney and they make a fire down below, but I don't remember if either, you get hit in the butt and blow out of the chimney, or if you fall in the fire and die.

Hiei: She's so casual about you dying.

Yusuke: YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

Vhee: Oh please this is my fanfic, like I'd let anything happen to you! Now climb down the chimney.

Yusuke: F-K YOU! I'M NOT GETTING KILLED FOR YOUR STUPID STORY!

Vhee: DO IT OR I'LL TELL KEIKO WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND BOTAN LAST NIGHT!

Yusuke: Okay, I'm going down the chimney now!

Keiko: Wait, what happened between Yusuke and Botan? _Botan_?

Botan: _-stops mooing-_ Huh? **_Ohh_**..._-mooing louder-_

Keiko: **_BOTAN?!_**

Yusuke: OK I'M GOING DOWN THE CHIMNEY NOW!

Vhee: Wait you dope, they have to light a fire! Hmm...I wonder _who_ could light a _fire_ for us?

Hiei: You mean I actually get to do something productive?

Vhee: Um, yeah...

Hiei: _-evil look in his eye-_ _G__**ood**_**.** I've been itching to do this ever since I met you. _-right arm becomes engulfed in black flames-_

Kurama: Uh, Hiei, don't you have a less dangerous fire you could use?

Kuwabara: Yeah, one that won't kill us?!

Hiei: -_extremely pissed-_ _**FINE**_**.** JAO ENSATU RENGOKU SHO!

Kurama: Much better.

Bunny Stalker: Uh, why did you have Hiei call out the Japanese version of that attack when all the others are in the English version?

Vhee: I don't know. I was bored. Okay now the 3 little pigs had a big fire going... A little too big... Can you do something about that, Hiei?

Hiei: No.

Kuwabara: MY EYEBROWS!

Vhee: _Then_ the big bad wolf came down the chimney.

Yusuke: I don't know about this. _-sees Keiko rolling her sleeve-_ HERE I GO!

**2 minutes later**

Yusuke: I'M STUCK!

Vhee: Figures.

Kurama: What now?

Vhee: I guess I'll pick the one where he gets blown out of the chimney. You can use your dragon now, Hiei.

Hiei: ...

Yusuke: WHAT?! NO! BESIDES I HAVE A BETTER IDEA! _**SHOTGUN!**_

Vhee: NO! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

_**BOOM!**_

**Lost consciousness**

Vhee: _-groan-_ Oh, what happened?

Kurama: Yusuke blew up the house and everything within a 2 mile radius.

Hiei: _-throws ears and snout on ground and stomps on them-_ I'VE HAD IT! WHERE'S MY PAYMENT?!

Kurama: Sweet snow?

Hiei: ...Yes. Now...HAND IT OVER YOU WORTHLESS MORON!

Vhee: I don't have any...

**Long silence**

Kurama: You should run..._now_...

Vhee: _-starts running as Hiei chases her with fire shooting out of his mouth- _

* * *

Hiei growled in irritation. He never shot fire out of his mouth. Well, except that one time he went drinking with Yusuke, but that was one time! He sat in a near-by chair and flipped the pages to see what other asinine imaginations her tiny brain had concocted...

* * *

Vhee: We will now be acting out the most romantic fairy tale of all time (or at least one of them) Sleeping Beauty.

Yusuke: Oh, God.

Vhee: Yes. So without further ado, let's start the fashion show!

Yusuke: What the -

Vhee: _-snaps fingers and techno music starts to play-_ On the runway we have Botan, playing the princess.

Botan:_ -waving-_

Vhee: She is wearing a blue silk evening gown, made in France, with satin sleeves.

Botan: I feel like Miss America!_ -too busy crying to see the end of the runway and falls off-_

Vhee: _-sweatdrop-_ Next we have Kurama, as the prince. He is wearing pretty much the exact outfit form the Disney movie.

Kurama Fangirls: _**KURAMA! **__-half the audience flocks to the stage and starts pulling on Kurama's pants-_

Kurama Fangirl #33: _**OH MY GOD! **__-sobbing hysterically-_

Kurama Fangirl #12: _**YOU'RE SO GORGEOUS! I LOVE YOU!**_

Kurama: Thank you. Thank you very much. _-throws rose petals into the audience-_

Kurama Fangirl #1: _**I DREAM ABOUT YOU AT NIGHT! MARRY ME!**_

Vhee: Uh, it's time for Kurama to go now...

Kurama Fangirls: _**NOOOOO! **__-sobbing-_

Kurama: Sorry, ladies. Maybe next time. _-blows kiss to #1 and she faints-_

Vhee: Ahem. Now we have Hiei, the evil sorcerer, wearing a torn up sleeve shirt, black fighting pants with silver chains hanging off the belt, and a long cape with black flames running down the sides attached to his shoulders, that stretches to the ground. Teehee.

Yusuke: Kiss ass.

Hiei Fangirls: _**IT'S HIEI! **__-other half of the audience flocks to the stage after pushing the Kurama Fangirls to the ground-_

Hiei Fangirl #17: _**SHOW US YOUR JAGAN HIEI!**_

Hiei Fangirl #26: _**YOUR DRAGON'S THE SEXIEST THING EVER!**_

Hiei Fangirl #8: _**TAKE ME! **__-pulls off her top-_

Hiei: -_glances at them-_

Hiei Fangirls: _**AAAAAAAHHHHH! HE LOOKED AT US! **__**HE LOOKED AT US!**_

Hiei: _-walks off stage-_

Hiei Fangirls: -_screaming and sobbing-_

Vhee: Next, we have Yusuke, the red fairy, wearing a black tee, blue jeans, and a blood red jacket with black accents.

Yusuke: This _is_ kinda cool. I was worried you'd put us in dresses with fairy wings and sh-t.

Yusuke Fangirls: YUSUKE! YEA YUSUKE!

Yusuke: Yeah, yeah. _-waves-_

Kurama: You should be more appreciative of your fans, Yusuke.

Hiei: Why? He only has 20.

Yusuke: _-middle finger-_

Vhee: Behind Yusuke we have Yukina, the green fairy, wearing a light green dress with short sleeves.

Fangirls: Aw! Hi Yukina!

Yukina: Hello!

Vhee: So cute. Behind Yukina is Kuwabara, the blue fairy. Wearing his school uniform.

Fangirls: _-crickets chirping-_

Kuwabara: _-sigh-_ Why does everyone but me get a new outfit?!

Vhee: Uh, well, you are the blue fairy and I couldn't decide on what you would wear so I went with the uniform. Cuz it's blue...

Kuwabara: _-anime tears-_ Why doesn't anybody like me?

Vhee: Um, did I say that?

Yusuke: Forget him. I got some questions of my own.

Vhee: Okay.

Yusuke: Why are me and Kuwabara f-cking fairies?

Vhee: Heh, let's see what fairies you are. You are the pink fairy, which I changed to red for obvious reasons. The pink fairy is the leader and she usually gets everyone out of trouble.

Yusuke: That's not me at all.

Vhee: You want the pink dress with fairy wings?

Yusuke: You want my finger?

Vhee: _-fangirl eyes-_ Oh, Spirit Gun?! I've never seen it up close!

Yusuke: _-teary eyes-_ You're one of my fangirls?

Hiei: 21.

Vhee: Oh, ahem. Yukina is the green fairy, who is the kind sweet one, that always sees the bright side of things. She kinda cries a lot too...

Yukina: Oh, that sounds like me...although I don't cry a _lot_...

Vhee: And Kuwabara-

Yusuke: Is the ugly fat one who can't keep her mouth shut and always makes things worse.

Kuwabara: What?! At least I'm not the anal gay one who nobody likes!

Yusuke: Why don't you say that to my FOOT KICKIN' YOUR ASS?!

Vhee: _**KNOCK IT OFF YOU IDIOTS!**_

Yusuke & Kuwabara: _-shock-_

Vhee: There.

Yusuke: How do you do it, Hiei?

Hiei: Mental block.

Vhee: ANYWAY, now that we know all the players, let's get on with the shoe!

Yusuke: Nobody gets that joke, because your readers are too young...

Vhee: Ugh...

**Once upon a time, there was a king and queen**_ -needle scratch-_

Vhee: Wait. We don't have a king and queen.

All: _-groan-_

Vhee: Well, sorry! Hmm, who could play king and queen? I know! _-snaps fingers and Mukuro and_ _Yomi appear out of thin air-_

Mukuro & Yomi: WTF?!

Vhee: Hi! We're doing a fanisode! Wanna join?

Yusuke: Please say no so we can all go home.

Mukuro: Why would I want to join in a foolish human game?

Yomi: I second that. Besides, I don't even know how we got here...

Vhee: I'll give you both something you want if you do.

Yomi: Alright. I want rule of Demon World.

Vhee: Um, okay. I guess I could give you that...What's the worst that could happen?

Yusuke: _/facepalm_

Vhee: What do you want Mukuro?

Mukuro: ...Hiei.

All except Hiei, Vhee & Mukuro: Whooooooo!

Hiei: That is ridiculous.

Mukuro: _-shrugs-_ She asked. Now then, human girl, will you give me what I want?

Vhee: _-seething and boiling red-_ Must...do...it...for...fans..._FINE_.

Mukuro: Good.

Yusuke: I see some _-makes whip sound-_ in Hiei's future.

Vhee: SHUT IT! Now then. We have a king and queen.

**Once upon a time, there was a King and Queen who had longed for a child. One day they were blessed with the birth of their only daughter, Botan. A celebration was held throughout the land for all to see her. But there was one who did not want the King and Queen to be happy. A terrible sorcerer named Hiei. He came to visit the King and Queen...**

Vhee: Do we act this out or...?

Hiei: Not if you want to live.

Vhee: Okay, then.

**He cursed the child claiming that on her sixteenth birthday she will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel and die. The King and Queen were mortified.**

Mukuro: Oh, noes. Whatever will we do?

Yomi: I could kill him...really easily.

Vhee: No.

**But three good fairies came to help the King and Queen saying they would take the child and raise her as their own. Naming her Briar Rose. And that's where this story starts.**

Vhee: Okay, so it's Botan's 16th birthday and you're celebrating and baking her a cake and stuff.

Yusuke: What?

Vhee: Oh, c'mon, you've seen the movie.

Yusuke: Yeah, when I was 7!

Vhee: Just bake a cake while Botan sings out the window.

Botan: Huh? I have to sing?

Vhee: Yeah.

Botan: Oh, dear.

Vhee: Just sing, okay?

Botan: Okay... _-busts out her window Disney style and starts singing Get Low-_

Vhee: What the f-ck are you doing?!

Botan: To the sweat drip down my ba - Huh? I like this song.

Vhee: Well, sing something else!

Botan: THE HILLLLLLLLLS ARE ALIVE -

Vhee: Never mind. Let's look in on the 'fairies', shall we?

Yusuke: OH, GOD!

Yukina:_ -crying-_

Kuwabara: WHY IS THE CAKE EXPLODING?!

Vhee: Maybe Hiei?

Hiei: _-in a tree-_

Vhee: Psst! Hiei! Say something menacing about Botan!

Hiei: If I ever find her I will slit her throat and spill her blood all over her fairies...except the green one.

Vhee: Okay, too menacing! Back to Botan!

Botan: Now all you bitches crawl -

Vhee: FAIRIES!

Yusuke: _-punching Kuwabara-_ I TOLD YOU THERE WAS TOO MUCH BAKING SODA!

Kuwabara: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PUT GUNPOWDER IN IT!

Yusuke: I THOUGHT IT WAS BROWN SUGAR!

Vhee: Let's skip to when the Prince and Princess meet...

Botan: _-skipping through the woods-_

Kurama: _-riding his horse-_

Botan: _-skipping-_

Kurama: _-riding-_

Botan: _-skipping-_

Kurama: _-riding-_

_-collision-_

Botan: OW!

Kurama: My spleen...

Vhee: Um, romantic meet? Please?!

Kurama: _-groaning-_ Hello.

Botan:_ -cough-_ Oh, hello.

Kurama: Let me help you up.

Botan: How kind.

Vhee: Go walking with her.

Kurama & Botan: _-limping through the woods-_

_-music starts-_

**I don't know the lyrics to this song**

**Why is this bloody song so hard to remember for me?**

**And I know it's true, I'm stupid and forgetful**

**But I know you and I know what you do ladadadada ladadadadada once upon a dream**

Kurama & Botan: _-look at each other-_

Vhee: What? I tried! Say something romantic!

Botan: You have blood on your lip.

Vhee: ...

Botan: Want me to lick it off?

Vhee: NOT _LEMON_, _**LOVE!**_

Kurama: _-gently touches her hair-_ You look so beautiful with my horse's hoof print on your forehead.

Vhee:_ -falls down-_ Okay, Botan you suddenly have to go home...

Botan: Oh, look! I suddenly have to go home!

Kurama: When will I see you again?

Botan: Never!

Kurama: Never?

Botan: Never! Never! _-runs away limping-_

Kurama: ...Can I go to the hospital now?

Vhee: No. NEXT SCENE! The faries give Botan her gifts!

Yukina: Here you go, Rose. I made you a necklace with my tears...

Botan: Who's Rose?

Vhee: AGH! Just take the dress and put it on!

Botan: What dress?

Vhee: YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE DRESS?!

Yusuke: YOU SAID WE HAD TO BAKE A CAKE NOT MAKE A DRESS!

Vhee: _DO I HAVE TO DO __**EVERYTHING**__ MYSELF?!_

Yusuke: Yes. Yes, you do.

Vhee: UUUUGGGHHH! Fine! _-throws the blue silk dress at Botan-_ Put it on!

Botan: It's covered in cake...

Vhee: Do I need to sick Hiei on you?

Botan: I'll go get dressed for the party that the prince is holding or whatever the hell happens in this stupid movie! _-leaves-_

Kuwabara: Hmm. Boysenberry.

Vhee: AAH!

**I dunno how but she ends up in the castle and the sorcerer entraps her and gets her to prick her finger.**

Botan: I have to prick my finger?

Vhee: Yes.

Botan: But that'll hurt!

Vhee: You get to kiss Kurama at the end.

Botan: ...I get to kiss Kurama? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?! _-runs and stabs her hand with the spindle and passes out-_

Vhee: That'll do.

Botan: _-bleeding-_

Vhee: Okay, so the 3 fairies put her in the highest room in the tallest tower.

Yusuke: That's Shrek not Sleeping Beauty.

Vhee: Shut up! And they cry over her.

Yusuke & Kuwabara:_ -look at each other-_

Vhee: They canceled you, remember?

Yusuke & Kuwabara: WHY?! _-both holding each other and wailing-_

Yukina: Should I cry?

Vhee: Well, I could use a bracelet...

Yukina: Okay, Vhee! _-starts sobbing-_

**They cast their own spell that put everyone to sleep until Botan woke up.**

Mukuro: Yeah, and then I ripped off his head and shoved it down the ugly one's throat.

Yomi: Really?

Vhee: You're not asleep.

Mukuro: _You_ will be permanently if you don't leave.

Vhee: So it's up to Prince Kurama to save her with true loves' first kiss!

Kurama: What now?

Vhee: Now it gets fun! With the help of the 3 fairies you will fight the evil sorcerer Hiei!

Hiei: I have to do something?

Vhee: Yes. You have to turn into a dragon and fight Kurama.

Hiei: _-raises eyebrow-_

Yusuke: Uh, Vhee...

Hiei: A _dragon_, huh?

Vhee: Yup. Just summon one, okay?

Yusuke: _Vhee_...

Vhee: Oh, don't worry. You guys will jump out of the way in time and save Botan! It's just for show!

Yusuke: But-

Yukina:_ -disappears mysteriously-_

Hiei: Too late. _-rips off bandages-_

_-everything becomes black as electric energy pops around them. The ground begins to shake and quiver and Vhee realizes she made a big mistake-_

Vhee: Uh-

Kurama: Uh-

Kuwabara: Uh-

Yusuke: We're f-cked.

Hiei: Yeah._ -summons 3 dragons and shoots right at them-_

Yusuke: _**HOLY SH-T!**_

Kuwabara: _**RUN!**_

Kurama: _-grows a giant plant thing and flies away-_

Vhee: _**WAIT! NO! HIEI YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING! HI - **_

_-Vhee is incinerated-_

Yusuke: _**OH, GOD! HELP US!**_

Kuwabara: _**MOMMY!**_

Mukuro: Are your ears erogenous - Do you see that?

_-one dragon headed straight for them-_

Yomi: I think we should leave.

Mukuro: Yes.

_-both disappear-_

Botan: Can I wake up now? _-room explodes-_

Hiei:_ -standing atop a mountain laughing maniacally-_ And they all lived horribly ever after! AH HA HA HAHA!

Vhee: Hiei? Hiei? Hiei! WAKE UP!

Hiei jolted awake to see the red-head standing over him, poking him with a stick. "You were reading my fanfiction?! How dare you!"

Apparently, it was so utterly boring he had fallen asleep. Thankfully, he fixed the ending for himself.

He jumped out of the chair. "Yes I did, and I have never been so disgusted all of my life! And I once choked a guy with his own entrails!" Vhee blinked. "How dare you portray us like this? It was totally out of character!" he yelled out of character.

"But I only write for you guys because you inspire me! I always come back to you guys because I love you so much..."

"If this is your version of love, I want no part of it," Hiei retorted, setting the notebook ablaze.

"NO! YOU BASTARD!" She went to attack him and he slammed his fist into her cranium, causing her to fall with an undignified thud. "Oh...technicolor..." she drooled and he scoffed, uncaring as ever 'cause he's so awesome like that.

"Moron. Now I must go eat a vat of Cherry Garcia ice cream for no particular reason."

And he walked off, leaving the red-head mumbling about orange lights floating around her head.

~End

* * *

**A/N: The 3 little pigs skit was the first thing ever I wrote for YYH and my very first fanfiction, if you can call it that. Thankies so much!**


	16. Blame it on the sake

Disclaimer: I don't own YYH

**A/N: I've had this one in my head for a while. Also I've had eye surgery and if there are any typos or mistakes that is why. I am trying my best. Enjoy!**

* * *

Chapter Sixteen: Blame it on the sake

Characters: Koenma and Shizuru

Rating: T

Summary: After a night of drinking, Koenma and Shizuru wake up in bed together. But did they or didn't they?

X -x-x-x-x- X

The first thing he felt was immense pain. Pounding with each heartbeat all through his head down to the deepest part of his ears. His eyelids felt like they weighed a hundred pounds each as he opened them, his eyes feeling like someone threw sand in them and then punched him a dozen times. "Ohh..." he moaned, all muscles aching and bones popping as he moved his appendages around on what appeared to be a hardwood floor. "Wha...Oh..."

"Oh, finally," he heard another voice and suddenly all his pain was gone as he shot up in a sitting position, eyes darting around in panic. They fell upon a form in a bed, just sitting there nonchalant and smoking a cigarette.

"Shi...Shizuru?" his hoarse voice croaked.

She inhaled a drag and blew it out. "Hey."

"What...?" He looked around some more. He was indeed in a bedroom, and if he thought correctly, it was one at the temple. He, however, had been laying on the floor.

With nothing but a sheet covering him.

He lifted the fabric and paled, feeling his gut twitch in nausea

He was naked.

In a bedroom.

With Shizuru.

"Oh Dad, no! What...where...how...why..."

"This sounds like the start of a good murder mystery," she drolled out as she flipped an ash.

"Shizuru, what happened?!"

She smirked. "Well...what do you think happened?"

He swallowed. "We...played chess?"

She chuckled, putting out the butt. "No..."

He started to sweat, the smell a rancid panic of fear. "Ohhh...please tell me we didn't...Please! I'm the ruler of Spirit World, where humans go when they die! If I...with a _human_...the chaos! Oh! The PAPERWORK!"

"Glad all I am to you is another folder to file," she spat back, lighting another.

He sputtered. "I'm sorry! I just...I've never..."

"I bet you never."

He held his head as the images amassed in his brain. "Did we sleep together?!"

She didn't bat an eyelash. "No, you slept on the floor."

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHIZURU! DID WE HAVE SEX OR NOT?!"

She smiled. "I was wondering when you would suck it up and ask right out. The answer is..." He heard a clock ticking far away, wishing he could smash it into a million pieces. "No."

And all the contents of his stomach emptied on the floor.

Shizuru blinked. "Nice. Your relief makes me feel _so_ desirable."

He coughed a few times and wiped his mouth. "I'm sorry...I just can't have had relations with a human. And I just thought 'cause I'm naked - Shizuru, why am I naked?"

"You stripped off all your clothes thinking we were gonna have sex. But then you passed out so I threw a sheet over you."

His gut rumbled again. "Oh...I am so sorry...I wanted to...sleep with you?"

She shook her head. "No, not me. You thought I was someone else."

He just went through thinking he had sex with Shizuru, found out he didn't but wanted to and now he really didn't want her but someone else. What did he do to deserve this?!

"_George, you dolt! I said extra pickles! No food for a week!"_

"_George! You got this one file in the wrong place! No bathroom breaks for the whole day!"_

"_George, I broke a nail! I'm punishing you because I know you did it!"_

Oh. Yeah.

He sighed. "Someone else? How...how did this happen? What happened?!"

"You got wasted on sake. Like _really_ wasted. And then you started flirting with someone at the party."

His mouth went dry. He had never once flirted with anyone ever! He dreamed of it of course, but never actually got to. "I was _flirting _with someone?"

She blew out more smoke. "No, I didn't mean flirting. You shamelessly draped yourself over them and announced to everyone that you've always wanted to stick your tongue down their throat."

His stomach dropped again as he stood up, holding the sheet securely around him. "What? We were all drunk, right?"

"No. You were the only one. Yukina can hold her liquor better than you. Everyone else was sober. Although, Yusuke did pass out when he fell over laughing and hit his head on the coffee table. It's a good thing 'cause he was gonna get out the video camera."

His head was swimming, but he couldn't figure out if it was the alcohol or the information he was receiving. "Who was this?" She didn't answer, only puffed some more. He racked his ruined brain trying to think. There were only four females at the party, Shizuru included.

Botan wasn't there due to a massive car pile up and resulting souls to ferry, so it wasn't her.

If it had been Keiko, he doubted Yusuke would've been laughing. If it was Yukina, Kuwabara would have reacted just as badly and he distinctly remembered Hiei there for a brief second before he threatened death and stormed out. The fire demon probably stayed to watch his sister and if Hiei saw himself _draped_ over Yukina...It wasn't Yukina.

And that left - "Oh, God, tell me it wasn't Genkai! It wasn't Genkai, was it?!"

She laughed. "No."

He stammered. "Then who was it? I know it wasn't Yukina. So if it was Keiko, then that means Yusuke has a better sense of humor than I thought!" She still said nothing. "Who was it?!"

"I don't think you wanna know, kid."

He clenched his fists. "I am not a _kid_. I am _thousands _of years old and can handle what happened last night! I am ruler of all the Spirit World and I demand to know who I shamed myself with!"

She inhaled a long drag and blew it out slowly.

As soon as the syllables left her mouth his whole world shattered. The walls went yellow, dripping down red like paint. Sounds like a car siren blared in his eardrums as his teeth chattered and his body spasmed out of control.

His breathing stopped as his eyes rolled back and everything went black.

She inhaled again.

The door slid open, a figure stepping in and shutting the door behind them.

Emerald green eyes scanned the unconscious body on the floor and settled on the woman in the bed, raising a pointed red eyebrow. "I assume this means you told him?" his calm controlled voice asked.

She blew out her final drag. "Huh. Yeah. I guess he wasn't too happy finding out he wants to bang _you._"

~End


End file.
